Deep longing for love...random thoughts

Last night was a pretty random night. I decided to go through my journals that dated as far back as 1999 and up to I was a senior in High School. After reading several excerpts, I quickly realized my deep longing for love. Every entry that I read was centered around a boy. I think saying that I was simply “boy crazy” would not give the full picture as to why my world was centered around boys, so I won’t use that term. But one thing I know for fact, is my deep longing for love. As I read my journals last night, I remembered how I always felt like a part of me was missing. I’m not sure why I felt that way but I think that feeling also rooted in the longing to be loved. So as I read these journal entries, I became that little girl/teenage girl all over again because I remember those feelings of hurt and disappointment. Now that I’m pregnant, I think a lot about the mother that I want to be. 

         And here it goes…I was confused as a girl. I had two mothers. I had a “real” mother and I had a step mother. When I moved with my father at the age of 8, I was convinced that my “real” mother did not love me. Now that I’m much older, I can understand why I pretty much threw myself at my step mother, yearning for that motherly love. Well the truth is, it took her some years to love me and I knew it. By all means, I’m not saying either of my mothers were bad for what they did, but what I am saying is that their actions caused a void in my life. I couldn’t rightfully blame my stepmother because let’s face it she wasn’t my real mother, so I turned all my hatred and frustration towards my real mother and hated her for many years. So anyway, fast forward to my teenage years, and it was so evident that all I wanted was love. With this knowledge, I’m anxious to shower my children with all the love that I can humanly give but at the same time I’m afraid that I will fail and they will end up like how I was. When reading my journals, it broke my heart to think that my children could feel the way that I did. I instantly wanted to get rid of the journals.

            I won’t lie, it’s been many, many years since I was that little girl but now that I’m pregnant I sometimes get angry all over again. I get angry because I cannot possibly imagine leaving this child that is inside of me. God forbid, but if something were to ever happen to my husband and I, I cannot possibly imagine giving my child to him so that he and his “new” wife could raise her. But I have to remember that I am so much different than my real mother was. Of course she has her reasons for what she did, but in my opinion, it doesn’t’ really matter. I pray that I’m different from both my “real” and my stepmother. I pray that God molds me into the mother that He sees I’m fit to be. I pray that God will give me the strength to love my child and I pray that I will learn to not be too hard on myself. The eagerness to be the best mom that I can possibly be, will also hurt the core of me when I feel that I’ve failed at times…

            This will be the hardest post to put online because I’m a very secretive person. I refuse to proofread it because I will get embarrassed and delete it. But I do believe that God will liberate me and He will help me to be the best mom that I can to Sweet Pea.